Searching for Three Important Songs in my Life

Thinking about the three most important songs in my life was quite an eye opener for me. It gave me time to actually see that there happened to be a theme going on in my life. Unexpected as it was, I found that throughout childhood into adulthood the same things kept tugging at my heart and soul. As I began to write about them, they appeared as if by magic becoming in tune with the secrets within my soul. These are the songs that have been the most important in my life.

I feel right off the bat, one of the three most important songs or music pieces should be my wedding song, a string quartet playing Pachabel’s “Canon in D”. I do love that piece, and it is what I walked down the aisle flanked by my two tall, handsome, blonde haired, blue eyed, sons wearing their stark black tuxes, white crisp shirts and peach cummerbunds and black shiny shoes taking me towards my new husband-to-be. The morning sun sparkled on the small droplets of water that beaded on the twining rose leaves over the arbor that we walked through. The stark white gazebo’s details were almost blown out from the light rays of the sun except where the tall pine trees shaded it. The air was crisp even though it was mid-July and the leaves rustled with the smooth caress of a soft wind which faintly moved the delicately draped light blue lace. Earlier in the program, my 14-year old son, wearing his trademark Top Hat, had just spent his whole summer learning classical guitar, and played “Malaguena”, a sultry Spanish classical finger-picking musical feat on his Classical acoustic. As he played, the congregation and I were transformed to an ocean shoreline in a foreign country, even though we were at a beautiful desert park. The sunshine reflected off the satin and tiny crystal beads on my dress, the smell of the roses and the gardenia intermingled in my hair, the soft wind, the musical rhythm, and the feeling of love was just heavenly. This gift was his very first solo in front of an audience, and this was in front of 200+ plus people.  A framed picture of my son with his Top Hat on that day still hangs in my bedroom some twenty years later. I cannot hear “Malaguena” without thinking of that beautiful moment in my life, when everything seemed to gel, the precious gift from my son, and the work it took, but also feeling melancholy. Such a lovely thing for him to do. Little did I know that in just four years his life would be cut short, and I would not be allowed to hold him in my arms ever again.

The second most important song is one that also haunts me filled with love as well as loss. It is Beethoven’s “Moonlight Sonata” it was one of my favorite songs while growing up. My mother played it on the piano. When I grew up and could play a little, I learned to play it.  So, for many years I always thought of my mom when I heard this music.  I remember waking up late at night one time and I couldn’t sleep, she made some popcorn and we shared it while she just hugged me and stroked my hair until I was sleepy. I loved her very much and do believe she loved me too, but she felt very unloved. My mother was abused when a child, married to get out of the house, was “disowned” by the family (and thus her family fortune taken from her), was hit by a car and had her leg in a cast for five years, then had it amputated– all before she was just 20 years old. Her medical records stated she had schizoid personality disorder and paranoia. In the past there weren’t medications like we have today that can help with chemical imbalances. So many strikes against her, yet she struggled to survive and be a good mother and person. She always taught us that if you had love, you had everything. Money was nothing. She “chose” to die alone after many years of being unable to have relationships and being let down by those she loved. She would not “sell” her beliefs and could not. She taught me many things, and I hope that as she looks down from Heaven, she realizes she was loved deeply. I still listen quietly to that haunting melody we played as we stood in the sunlight next to her graveside.

So, growing up with music everywhere in my family, it is so very difficult to choose just three pieces that are the most important. My mom used to put every situation that arose to a melody. She sang her heart out. She loved music and I grew up loving it as well. Now, looking at my eldest son, who loves it, it’s also apparent he has passed it along to his beautiful daughter. She puts every situation that arises to a melody that she makes up on the fly. Interesting. Is that genetic? As I grew up and wanted to escape my own situations of sadness, there were songs that I clung to and sang with all my might. “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” always gave me hope that life would not be so lonely, that there would be a true home I could find (as I was one of the first kids in school who was from a divorced family and one of the first “latch-key” kids before they had a term for it). The Man of La Mancha’s “The Impossible Dream” still touches my heart today, with it’s hope of a new day and the hope of overcoming the mundane. Believing that it is possible to lift oneself out of the mire. Breakfast at Tiffany’s, “Moon River” again searching for that “same rainbow’s end….waiting ’round the bend.” But, my third song on this list as one of the most important in my life, is the one song that brings tears to my eyes every single time I hear it, is Louis Armstrong’s, “Wonderful World”. Is it my need for my own world peace? Growing up in our world with such sadness, sorrow, betrayal, treachery, and pain is it any wonder that the song that I relate to the most has rainbows, love, hope and dreams? This song to me is love personified. God’s Love and hope for all of us no matter where we are, or what we have done in our lives. Life is not easy, nor is it fair. We do live in a wonderful world if we choose to see it. My thoughts are if we are to be able to live life without being in the depths of despair, we must “Choose life” even when in the very depths, and very importantly… pass it along.

Louis Armstrong’s song (What a) Wonderful World

I see trees of green, red roses, too,
I see them bloom, for me and you
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world.
I see skies of blue, and clouds of white,
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world.
The colors of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky,
Are also on the faces of people going by.
I see friends shaking hands, sayin’, “How do you do?”
They’re really sayin’, “I love you.”
I hear babies cryin’. I watch them grow.
They’ll learn much more than I’ll ever know
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world
Yes, I think to myself
What a wonderful world
Advertisements

Bringing Joy Back to Your Life

Being as a child. Viewing the world as a child. Seeing the beauty, the simplistic, the freshness, the awesomeness of a beautiful new day or experience through the eyes of a child. A child’s viewpoint is that of new eyes, untainted from “should be’s” or the “have to’s” of life that we learn as we become of age.

Unlocking the mind, opening the boundaries, removing the censorship that we learn to apply to our thought, speech, writings of daily life is how we can become one with that child within ourselves.

Until we reach that child within, we really don’t know what we truly feel, think, desire and need.

The pure awe of watching a flock of birds fly across the sky in unison, communicating through flight is a child’s wonderment when he excitedly points towards the sky and exclaims, “Mommy, LOOK!!!”

Children see so many things that we as adults have forgotten to see (even though it is right in front of us), thus the saying to stop and smell the roses, or even as Christ said in the Bible that unless we are as little children we will not enter into the Kingdom of Heaven. How do we live life fresh and exciting when we are no longer excited about the small things of life? How do we find that again within ourselves once it has been pushed so far down inside?

Unlocking the mind, opening ourselves to new experiences, looking at the world as a child, with a child’s expectations of just enjoying the sight for the moment. Rather than “script writing” and fighting against how something should unfold, allow it to unfold and learn to appreciate the beauty for what it simply is.

Write a list of things that make you happy and bring joy into your life. Even the little things. Unlock your mind, yet again, to those joys of childhood. Write those things down, make a list of things that make you smile, bring pleasure to you, give you joy in your heart…then surround yourself with them.

In unlocking my mind and finding joy again, I found I love candles, the beach, strawberries, children, flowers, chocolate, sunsets, music, animals, dance, artistic and creative things, to name a few. So, slowly I took the list and started incorporating it into my life. The beach is far away, but I can choose to spend a day there. Candles, silk flowers and music can be brought into my environment. The library and internet have many books and videos with ideas to learn crafts or decorate. Spending more time with my pets and watching them with the eyes of a child centers me.

The more you unlock your mind, you will find the things that will make you happy. You will find the things your heart and soul desire, and you will become used to making those things happen in your own life and thus find your inner joy.

Peace and love in finding your joy within

~Ingrid

Is there really a Prince?

We first have to see that there is a problem before we can actually do something to fix it. Waiting for our “Prince in Shining Armor” doesn’t happen, even though we have absolutely been raised on that wonderful fairy tale. This is why the danger of “50 Shades of Grey” becoming such a hit, because in the story the man is rich, handsome, has class, has style, a fancy car, a fancy home, and EVERYTHING our Prince would have–if we were to choose his attributes. However, the male character “Christian” is lacking in so many ways. He is abusive, controlling, demeaning, narcissistic, and downright dangerous to the woman (which we have already talked about called, “50 Shades of Stay!” in a prior blog).

The last reblog named “Pillars of Gold” by GentleKindness, made me think about this and how it has affected my life. So many times we have waited to either meet our handsome prince to live our lives, or when we thought we found him, we waited for those empty promises to be fulfilled. I once dated a many who used to talk about the house we were going to live in with a pool and all the trimmings. He talked about the wonderful life we were going to share and was really good at making me think that there was a future. We had been friends for a long time, but had just started dating seriously. I hadn’t “committed” to him at that time because we had been only together for about three weeks. Week four: He tells me he “owed” it to his prior girlfriend of ten years to give their relationship a try because she wanted to… Okay. At least I hadn’t invested a lifetime with Mr. Non-committal.

The other part that I’m wanting to talk about is when we have been married, raised children, and the promises don’t come through, time and time again we are let down. The disappointment adds up over the years and our lives seem to disappear into our gray hair, and less toned bodies. Again, I am here. A second marriage. You would think after ten years in between two marriages I would be wiser. But, deep inside I still wait for my Prince. I still want to believe he is out there. All the promises unfulfilled. That strong yearning. Until he shows up…I’ve decided its up to me.

Pillars of Gold

How many broken promises have there been? How many times have we just thought to ourselves, well this happened, or we don’t have the money, or my spouse is having a tough time of it, or he/she had a bad/sad/whatever childhood…? How many times have we waited for that beautiful picture that was put in our mind to materialize to no avail? The unspoken is that we aren’t worth it. It goes something like this in our minds; “Oh, its okay, someday.” but someday never comes. So empty. Such a sad realization. After what seems to be all of our “best” years too. I know your pain Annie, wish I could hug you. ❤

GentleKindness

You built me a house with pillars of gold

You made me a bed filled with feathers of down

You laid me down softly and brushed away my tears

You wanted to stop my suffering from the world

You made us a bubble that we lived in as one

Away from the world of reality and pain

I asked you to take me there and show me in person

But you only said “someday” and “soon”

I waited for “someday” and worked towards that day

In the mean time I wasted much of my own life away

I waited for “soon” but it got farther and farther

I just could not see how untouchable the lies were

View original post

Ten More Lies Abusive People Tell

Great article. So often we fall victim to the lies and perpetuate the falsehoods. IF I were how I should be … this wouldn’t have happened. IF I hadn’t angered him/her. IF I wanted sex more often. IF I was a blonde, had huge breasts, made more money, didn’t ask for anything beyond the basics (after all I AM so lucky). IF I just let my spouse have their relationships and treat me how they want… blah, blah, blah. At least, he/she doesn’t cut my throat when I’m sleeping. Oh, okay. Do we hear ourselves? It all happens so slowly and so slick. At first its just a glance, then a disapproving glance, a rolling of the eyes, an angry look, a tapping of the hand, a slap of the hand on the desk, a fist on the desk, breaking a piece of furniture, slamming you into a wall. . .

How to Combat the 3 P’s: Paralysis, Procrastination, & Pandora’s Box to Peace

Tags

, , , , , , , , , ,

Last blog, I shared with you some of the obstacles that have plagued my life. They are what I fondly refer to as the three “P’s” being paralyzed, procrastination, and Pandora’s Box. These three things have caused inactivity in my life, halting any progress forward the way that I would like to move forward, and have basically stopped me from achieving goals. I identified three positive “P’s” that can free us from the inability to move forward and being overwhelmed and are some of the ways in which I get around the bad “P’s” when I have realized they have taken root in my life. When we were small, what was the one thing we loved to do? Play. 

When we play, we are having fun, whether we are alone or in a group. Sometimes we just stop what we are doing and take a break (that’s what we call it now, it’s no longer recess or playtime) and read what we are truly interested in, or do what we love to do. How often have we taken time to play with our animals, our children, or found ourselves totally engaged in a project that revives our soul? Listen to music, draw, dance, read, style hair, sew, crochet, ride a bike, learn a craft, paint, write, research, people watch, sit on the beach, walk the dog, garden, exercise, swim, bake, photography, or visit with friends. Think back, what is it you do where time just seems to fly and you didn’t realize it. “It’s time to go already??!!” Finding the time to play will change your life. Immerse yourself in it. Take time for yourself. Find other people who love the same things and do it with them, or just enjoy the peace and quiet of a great book with your feet up snuggled in a blanket on the couch. These things are reviving and soul enhancing.

What you do to play does not have to be your passion. However, finding your passion will help you to play. Find what brings you joy. Sometimes we aren’t able to move forward and are paralyzed because we are trying to do something that is not within us. We are fighting an uphill battle, working hard to be what we are not naturally. Playtime will help you to meet others who are like minded, who enjoy the same things that bring you joy. They will open up new opportunities and new ideas. Sit down and just write a list of ALL the things that bring you happiness. Anything and everything. Strawberries, art, chocolate, candles, the ocean, music, cooking, babies, dogs, kittens, mysteries, traveling, etc.., anything and everything that comes to your mind. Things that YOU LIKE. Not things that you are supposed to like, or that a spouse, your kids, parents, or your friends like so you do. Find out what makes you tick. It may have been a while since you have done that. Be specific. You like music? What kind of music? Who are your favorite artists? What types of things make you happy when you look at them? I love crystals, so crystal lamps are so beautiful–especially with dimmer switches. I love clothing from the late 1800’s, the book, “Somewhere in Time” and the Hotel Del Coronado. Crystal by candlelight is gorgeous. It makes me smile. Looking at it makes me happy. What makes you happy? Write it down.

Surround yourself with those things. Find activities to do that encompass those things you love. There are free art shows, free concerts, free movies in the parks, places where you can volunteer your time to help a cause in which you believe. These are things that will enrich your soul. Do the Cha-Cha and forgive yourself for not moving forward ❤ one step forward, two back, two forward, one back… pick up and move. Next blog we will talk about our passions and projecting to find our peace. 

~Ingrid

Overwhelmed? Plagued with the 3 P’s? You Are Not Alone!!

Tags

, , , , , ,

So often I have felt just totally overwhelmed that three “p” words come into play…and play, unfortunately, is not one of them. Paralyzed, procrastinate, and Pandora’s Box are just three of those words that define my inability to jump into action or just move. How do we get past the big three P’s to the business of living our lives in happy, healthy, safe and productive ways? First, I need to define what has been going on, so I am able to define a strategy to move forward. I have been feeling paralyzed.

Paralyzed, not able to move, frozen in time and space, the inability to make decisions or to take action. Inaction to me, is the action of moving backwards. However, I can still move my legs and my thoughts. It’s the inability to move forward. Recently, I saw a saying on Facebook that chimed with my soul.

Two Steps Forward, and One Step Back is not Failing…it is the Cha-Cha!!

So, what have I been doing besides inaction? Procrastinating. If I don’t start it, I don’t fail. That voice in my head (I call her Drusella) the one who has told me my whole life that I was a failure and that I would not amount to much, that I was fat, that I was between marriages for ten years — so obviously undesirable, and that everything bad that ever happened to me I deserved, kept rearing her ugly head, and I would procrastinate.

Procrastinate, to put things off (you know, until it can be dealt with emotionally, physically, or mentally) until later… or… never. I’m always great at getting started on a project. I have GREAT ideas and can even “see” them in my mind’s eye. But getting to the project and finishing the project has been troubling. Don’t get me wrong, I have done many things in my life, and completed many things, but there are many things I have not completed. One of my favorite jokes used to be:

The Procrastinator’s Meeting will be held, January 2nd, no February 4th, no March 22, no October 19th, uh… TBA!

Meeting goals is an important indicator to myself at how I am doing. But wait! What if what I do, goes ALL WRONG??!! Pandora’s Box.

Pandora’s Box, filled with the fears that grip me of exactly WHAT will happen if I do this or that? What evils will be released upon my action or inaction? Will I get sick, will my children get sick? What if I don’t do something? What if I do, do something??? This anxiety has had a major strong hold upon my life more so since my teenage son died in a car accident. It was not my fault, but could I have changed it? Now, Drusella likes to sneak attack me just leaving the house. Are all the doors locked? Will my pets be safe? Will someone break in? How long should I be gone?

So, what can one do to get back to the happier and healthy way of life? I have found ways to combat those three “P’s” that are a P-lague with three other “P’s” which we will talk about in our next blog;

Play, Passion, and Pro-ject = Peace

Stay strong. Its okay to do the Cha-Cha. Your feelings are part of YOU. You are NOT crazy. You will get there! Peace 🙂

~Ingrid

Don’t ever forget… You Have a PURPOSE, No Gas Light

Tags

, ,

Don’t ever forget.

This touched my heart today as I read of someone who wanted to take her life due to the hardship and pain she had in her life. You do have a PURPOSE in your life. She just wanted to be loved, love her spouse, and love her children as a happy family. But, it was not to be as her spouse was a manipulator and abuser. They had a history of breaking it off four times, and five times she returned to him. The last time she wrote about he had told her he was dying of a terrible disease and that he loved her so much and he might die on the operating table the next day so they needed to make “love”. Well, they did, against her inner feelings and she felt sick for it. But, not as sick and angry as she felt after finding out it was all a lie. He said he needed her and when he couldn’t control her, he dropped her like a hot potato taking her two youngest children with him. She wanted to die.

How many of us have felt that despair? Please remember that those who seek to destroy know that we have a special calling in life and want to control it. Control your destiny and find your purpose. God Bless and Stay Strong Sisters.

~Ingrid